The pain's bad tonight. I took a percocet Sunday night because it was unmanageable and advil wasn't strong enough, and the pain went away. I slept so good that night - better than I have in months, and even though I didn't sleep any longer than usual when I woke up the next morning I had so much more energy and was still in less pain.

I don't know if I should go to the doctor and ask for a painkiller prescription. I know a lot of people with fibromyalgia eventually wind up adding more and more drugs to their regimen but I've been trying to avoid that. I know if I go in there and ask I'll feel like a druggie. 

I'm going to go lay down. Just don't have the energy to keep typing right now. To drug, or not to drug, that is - as always - my question.

...but I don't know what it is. No changes to medication, no overt health problems that weren't already there. But I'm sleeping more, and the hours I'm not sleeping are spent in a dissociative malaise. It would be so easy to chalk this up to depression but, really, it isn't. That's a feeling I'm familiar with.

I've always been able to feel what goes wrong in my body. It saved me from a burst appendix and kidney failure, in the past. Even possible amputation. Now, I can feel that something is wrong, but I can't pinpoint what. Not enough to accomplish anything with it.

My skin feels cold, and hot, and a little bit brittle. My sleep has gone from 14 hours a day to 16+. One day, I slept 20. I've gained weight, something I haven't done since sophomore year of college, even though I'm eating less and less. I just can't finish the food. I went from two double cheeseburgers and a large fry to one, and then to half - now I've started eating baked potatoes from Wendy's. One per day. That's all I can eat. Any more than that and I feel full, sick.

And then there's the stuff that I can't define, the feeling of Wrong that is useless diagnostically - except that when I feel Wrong, I'm always right about it. Do I make an appointment? Further expose myself to the danger of being labeled a  hypochondriac weirdo? Or do I take the risk that maybe finally I'm experiencing life like everybody else - cluelessly?

I really envy my car sometimes. What I wouldn't give for a  "Check Engine" light.

I made this userpic for capslock_atla cause it seemed more appropriate than my floppy old face. My first attempt at animated GIF making. Maybe next one will be better... but still you gotta admit, when Tui does the wave, entire continents get soaked. I'm a terrible person. Still, it was kind of fun, if a bit frustrating. I am determined to learn my way around this journal; there's far too many fun people here to let it go the way of my now-petrified and dust-gathering blog. Also, MySpace bugs my OCD traits like a MOTHER.


...I'm hungry.

I always hated having to write my name on those name tags they make you wear on first grade field trips - I had an awesome sticker with a place to put a name, and they expected me to use my birth name! It was a chance to let everyone know, "Hi! My name is: _______" with whoever or whatever I wanted to be that day. But that didn't work... they wanted my real name so that they could call me to the bus when I became lost in my inner world.

"Who's that kid in the hoodie?"
"Well, the star says it's [my name.]"

Now I have an entire website at my disposal and no teachers to scold me. So y'know what?

Hi! My name is Eia.